Waffles

I have somehow fallen under this delusion that God only works in certain ways in certain areas of my life and only in the ways that I tell Him to work. "Oh, at work God can only help me do my job really well. In class God can only help me stay focused and do my best regardless of my grades. Oh God will help me feel better about myself when I look in the mirror. God will comfort me only when sad and broken and somewhere alone. I have to be "Work Heidi," "School Heidi," "Friends Heidi," and "Alone Heidi," and God will be "Work God" and "School God" and "Relationships God" and "Private God" to match my own mental switches that I turn off and on.
What. Who thought this was a good idea?
God is the same God everywhere I go. Sure, sometimes I need Him in different ways in different environments, and He works in me in different ways in different situations, but by turning God into this proverbial waffle I've compartmentalized my own life based on how I want Him to work in it.
I do this thing where I'm always telling Him, "God, I want to trust you. I want to love you. I want to be vulnerable." But when the opportunity comes to learn what that's like--what it means to trust someone, to love someone, to be vulnerable to someone and ultimately to Him--I push it aside because I think that things need to be a "certain way."

"Teach me what it means to trust you," I say.
"Okay. You should talk to this person who looks like they're having a bad day. Maybe even pray for them."
"No, that's not what I meant. I want to be able to trust you so that when You tell me to do something really BIG and scary I will do it."

"Teach me what it means to love you," I say.
"Reading your Bible is a really great way to get to know Me."
"I don't have time do that, I have homework and I have to meet up with these people later and I have to get up early in the morning so I should go to bed right after that. Is there anything easier?"

"Teach me what it means to be vulnerable," I say.
"I know you're having a really hard time today about such-and-such, here's your friend _______, you should tell her what's going on."
"No...she doesn't need to hear about my problems."

Unfortunately, these are the kinds of things that go through my head on a regular basis.
Fortunately, God doesn't need me to tell Him what to do. He doesn't fit in little boxes that I can fill up here and there and move around at my leisure. He doesn't always teach us things the way we think He should.
And He knows me better than anyone could ever, ever, ever, ever, ever EVER know me so how can I NOT trust Him with every single part of my life in every way?
In reality that's easier said than done. Because of my inherently sinful nature I'm not going to be great at doing that. I'm not even going to be mildly "eh" at doing that. But it's times like this where I am most reminded of Jesus' sacrifice, because whether or not I am a "good Christian" doesn't matter, Jesus is the standard and just by believing he met that standard for me. I don't have to live up to anyone's expectations. I don't have to be afraid of what people think of me because all that matters is what God thinks of me. And God loves me. At work, in class, at home, when I'm sleeping, when I'm crying, when I'm laughing. God is the same no matter how I and my world change, and nothing can change so much that He will ever stop teaching me and growing me and LOVING me.

Hebrews 13:9
"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever."