I sat at a desk and smiled at people

I am constantly amazed by God's ability to use my total inadequacy for His glory, and how much He encourages me and I don't even know it.

Exhibit A.
I spend all this time being so self-conscious. Like, SO SELF-CONSCIOUS. I feel like I'm terrible at everything and am never really certain if I've done a good job, and this week in particular has been very challenging. For some reason, all of my insecurities have been magnified times a million, and I've been battling with these crazy lies flying around my head. Every once in a while I'll just think something terrible like, "Wow. My laugh is so horrible. I should really try to work on that." WHAT. Who cares what my laugh sounds like? Or, "I am so terrible at conversation. I bet I'm that girl that everyone tries to avoid talking to." I can't even confidently say that's a ridiculous statement, that's how much I believe it's true.
Anyway, ridiculousness aside, I realize that these things are lies, and that God doesn't really care if my laugh sounds like the tinkling of fairy bells or if I can flawlessly carry on a conversation. But I still have to rely on Him completely every time I look in the mirror in order to see myself the way that He wants me to see myself. I have to be in constant prayer, and vigilant about where my thoughts wander because it is so easy to spiral out of control when I start to believe the things I tell myself instead of the things God tells me. "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9a).
I don't need a skinny body, beautiful teeth, and nerves of steel. Those things won't make me "happy," and more importantly they have nothing to do with my salvation. God has already given me everything that I need. He has given me His grace. He has called me into a relationship with Him despite far greater shortcomings than what I look like and sound like. He provided me with His guidance, His peace, His love, His joy, His LIFE.
And I spend all this time and effort wishing I was "perfect."
Well, I'll tell you what, if I was not the infinitely weak being that I am, who Jesus is and what he did for me would mean nothing. My weakness displays Jesus' perfection perfectly, because it displays the enormity of his sacrifice; the enormity of his love. And there is nothing that I can do or not do to change that. Isn't that great?

Exhibit B.
My main job on campus is just a work study job in an office in the Law School. It often consists of scanning, copying, filing, cleaning--a typical office job. And I really enjoy it. Plus, I have this incredible opportunity to be a light to these ladies that I spend 60% of my week with, and to all of the people that I come into contact with on a regular basis--other students, my fellow work studies, professors--but I don't always feel like I do a very good job of that. And I am still constantly asking God to use me to make a difference in that place while simultaneously doubting that I could because of my insecurities.
Well, this week, even as I was struggling a lot more than usual, God used my job to encourage more than usual.
It was just a little thing. One of the ladies was out sick for a couple of days so there was only one other person in the office with me, and she was a little overwhelmed. I stayed a little later than usual and tried to be as helpful as possible, but didn't really feel like I did a good job of doing anything more than sitting at a desk and smiling at people occasionally. Then I came into work today, and the first thing I was told was that one of the professors had talked me up to my supervisor about what a great job I did while she was gone. Let me repeat: I SAT AT A DESK AND SMILED AT PEOPLE. When I told my supervisor how surprised I was, I laughed and said, "I don't even know what I did! I just sat here," and this is what she told me: "Well, you talk to them. You treat them like human beings."
This was Jesus. Because I literally, 100% not kidding, sat. at a desk. and smiled at people. And that made a difference to someone.

_______________________________


1 Corinthians 12:9-10
"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Waffles

I have somehow fallen under this delusion that God only works in certain ways in certain areas of my life and only in the ways that I tell Him to work. "Oh, at work God can only help me do my job really well. In class God can only help me stay focused and do my best regardless of my grades. Oh God will help me feel better about myself when I look in the mirror. God will comfort me only when sad and broken and somewhere alone. I have to be "Work Heidi," "School Heidi," "Friends Heidi," and "Alone Heidi," and God will be "Work God" and "School God" and "Relationships God" and "Private God" to match my own mental switches that I turn off and on.
What. Who thought this was a good idea?
God is the same God everywhere I go. Sure, sometimes I need Him in different ways in different environments, and He works in me in different ways in different situations, but by turning God into this proverbial waffle I've compartmentalized my own life based on how I want Him to work in it.
I do this thing where I'm always telling Him, "God, I want to trust you. I want to love you. I want to be vulnerable." But when the opportunity comes to learn what that's like--what it means to trust someone, to love someone, to be vulnerable to someone and ultimately to Him--I push it aside because I think that things need to be a "certain way."

"Teach me what it means to trust you," I say.
"Okay. You should talk to this person who looks like they're having a bad day. Maybe even pray for them."
"No, that's not what I meant. I want to be able to trust you so that when You tell me to do something really BIG and scary I will do it."

"Teach me what it means to love you," I say.
"Reading your Bible is a really great way to get to know Me."
"I don't have time do that, I have homework and I have to meet up with these people later and I have to get up early in the morning so I should go to bed right after that. Is there anything easier?"

"Teach me what it means to be vulnerable," I say.
"I know you're having a really hard time today about such-and-such, here's your friend _______, you should tell her what's going on."
"No...she doesn't need to hear about my problems."

Unfortunately, these are the kinds of things that go through my head on a regular basis.
Fortunately, God doesn't need me to tell Him what to do. He doesn't fit in little boxes that I can fill up here and there and move around at my leisure. He doesn't always teach us things the way we think He should.
And He knows me better than anyone could ever, ever, ever, ever, ever EVER know me so how can I NOT trust Him with every single part of my life in every way?
In reality that's easier said than done. Because of my inherently sinful nature I'm not going to be great at doing that. I'm not even going to be mildly "eh" at doing that. But it's times like this where I am most reminded of Jesus' sacrifice, because whether or not I am a "good Christian" doesn't matter, Jesus is the standard and just by believing he met that standard for me. I don't have to live up to anyone's expectations. I don't have to be afraid of what people think of me because all that matters is what God thinks of me. And God loves me. At work, in class, at home, when I'm sleeping, when I'm crying, when I'm laughing. God is the same no matter how I and my world change, and nothing can change so much that He will ever stop teaching me and growing me and LOVING me.

Hebrews 13:9
"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever."

Haven't I seen you before?

I'm not new to the blogging world, I've had a couple other blogs mostly just for the sake of having a yearly goal to stick to. And I sort of feel like they were failures.
My first one was a 365 day photo blog, and it was mostly great. I was glad that I did it; I wanted to challenge myself and I think I was successful in that. But also it made me hate my camera and sometimes I felt like I thought about blogging my days more than I just enjoyed my days being...days. It was a relief when it was over.
The second one was another 365 blog, this time centered around praising God for his blessings, and done with a friend. We alternated days and sometimes fell behind and sometimes got ahead of ourselves, but both stuck to our guns and finished out the year. Another challenge completed, and with a much better approach. It forced me to seek out God daily and to look at things with his eyes, so to speak, instead of my own. But then it was over. And just like that I felt like I "wasn't allowed" to share those praises anymore.
So this third attempt is an open-ended attempt at my second attempt. Make sense?
As much as I sometimes feel silly when I blog, I also think it's a cool opportunity to share what God is doing in my life on a wider scale than my roommate and bible study. It's a cool opportunity to reach out to people (you) with the things that I experience in the hopes that they (you) can relate to them as well. Maybe I'll be an encouragement. Maybe no one will care. Maybe I don't care if no one cares. (Maybe I actually care a whole lot). Whatever the case may be. I want to praise God and I want everyone to know how AWESOME He is. I love Him, I love Him and I don't care who knows it! (Elf fans represent!)

So.
Things you should know about this blog before we go any further:
1. It's title is "Daring to Dare" after a quote from C.S. Lewis' A Horse and His Boy. Aslan tells the terrified horse, Bree, to come to him, to be near him: "Do not dare not to dare." That really struck me recently. I want to live my life daring to be near to God. It can be really scary to trust Him, and it can be really hard to live a Christian life, but I do not dare not to dare because I know that it is worth it.

2. Sometimes the way I write is annoying. You probably figured that out with all of the parentheses. I just feel like I have a lot of funny things to say and I want to simultaneously say serious things also. Sorry not sorry.

3. I'm actually sorry.

4. It's not a 365 day blog. Thank goodness. It's just a blog-whenever-I-feel-like-I-want-to-blog-something-cool...blog.

5. I am wildly embarrassed by this. I don't like attracting attention to myself and I feel like I'm all, "Oh look at me! I have so many important things to say!" But that's not what I want at all! I actually think that what I have to say is totally pointless, BUT what God has to say is really important. So boom, self. I just got served.

Here goes nothing!